“Research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage. For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs. That’s a great example of the research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. Many wives are all too happy to go years without sex. For men, it’s a catastrophe.”
This is a quote from Suzanne Venker’s new book “How to Be a Wife.” My husband mentors men. Many, if not most, of the men he mentors tells him that their wives don’t want to give them sex. It’s as if these wives have decided they don’t want it, so they don’t want to give it. They falsely believe that it’s not part of the marriage vow that they made to their husbands. They are tearing their homes down with their own hands.
The Apostle Paul commands those that burn to marry; for it is better to marry than to burn. He also commands us to not deprive our husbands for lack of self-control. Most godly men marry because they burn. They want sex. They want a wife who is available to them to meet this need. If you are married, you are to fulfill that need for your husband. If you don’t, you have some part in his seeking out porn or an affair if he does.
I know women hate to hear this, but it’s true. God warns of this happening if we deprive our husbands! He commands us not to deprive our husbands because of this. Yes, if the husband begins to look at porn or have an affair, he will stand guilty for his sin but the wives will stand guilty for depriving their husbands.
As Suzanne said, going without sex is a catastrophe for men. They were created to want and need sex. God gave them this strong sex drive to marry and bear children. It’s a good thing when used within the bonds of marriage. Don’t deprive your husbands, women! Build your homes up and be a willing partner for your husband. This is a huge part of keeping your marriages strong.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5
Comments:
Kevin:
Amen the bible is clear on this matter. A sexless marriage just leaves the door wide open for the enemy. Sex is a need in marriage, its a biblical duty for both spouses to fulfill each other needs.
Feeriker:
More importantly, the fact that many “Christian” women will rebuke her, a non-believer, for following God’s commandments with more fidelity than they do is a damning indictment of the fallen state of the church today in all matters marital and sexual.
Any answers here should be interesting.
As a 59yr old widower, I can speak from personal experience and from what I have heard other men and women say.
Quote – For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs.
From what I have heard women say over the years, that is SOMETIMES the reason but not the major reason.
It seems like what women say is that her husband will only get sex if he behaves according to her standards and he will get sex on the wife’s terms.
And the women laugh when they say that.
But those terms do not apply to the man she is having an affair with.
With that man, she is the obedient woman submitting to all his sexual desires. Whenever, wherever and however he wants it.
So in my experience of hearing people talk, the husband being too wrapped up in his work, buddies or hobbies is not the main reason for a wife to start an affair.
Quote – For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage.
From what I hear men say, I will agree with that quote.
I hear many men say that before marriage their wife was always giving him sex and that she was initiating the sex as often as he was.
Then once they are married, she quickly stops wanting sex and refuses him.
I hear this from young men to even older men in their 70’s.
Sadly then, this withholding of sex after marriage by the wife is not a new thing, nor is it a rare abnormality.
What is it about a woman that as soon as she says “I do” then her sex answer is “I don’t” ???
From my own personal experience with my late wife of 13yrs marriage.
I was 40 and she was 35 when we married.
There was NO sex before we married.
We talked about sex and what we expected after the wedding.
She had told me numerous times that she would never ever tell me no to sex and that she would be my every desire.
Well we got married and it turned out she KNOWINGLY scheduled the wedding for her period.
Her “I’ll never say no to sex” to me turned out to on average being 1x every 3 months and often up to 5-6 months without sex and it was on her terms of wanting it in the complete dark and her on top. And that sexlessness was from the very start of the marriage.
Well long 13 yrs into a short post, I have found out that she was never faithful to me from the very start of meeting her.
From the start of courting her and during our marriage, I have found out about at least 5-6 affairs that each lasted months.
Her “I’ll never say no to sex” she kept her word to those other men. And it did not involve being in the complete dark and her on top.
The men I have found out about are all “bad boy” types and would of treated her like dirt.
Reminds me of the previous post about “50 shades of gray” and women wanting a man who treats them like dirt.
As for the emotional deprivation women say causes them to have an affair. My late wife said I was smothering her with attention. I would come straight home after work to be with her. I did not go out with the guys, no separate vacations, I worked 4 days a week for 10hr shifts, off 3 days a week. She saw my paycheck, which was then put in the bank and she saw the bank statements of where every single penny was spent.
For the record. I was never unfaithful to her.
I have been offered sex many times since becoming a widower but I want a biblical wife, not just physical.
The women are only wanting sex with no commitment.
And 50% of the women coming on to me are married, with a big plainly visible wedding ring on their finger.
They are not even trying to hide the fact they are married.
They just want sex with other men, but not with their husbands………
Reader:
I’ve been married for over twenty years and as a wife I would find it very selfish to assume that just because I’m not in the mood for sex my husband is not in the mood either. That would be as selfish as saying I’m not hungry so I’m not cooking dinner for my husband and children tonight. I do believe that it is very important to keep a guard and not let sex become a god in your marriage. I have known couples personally that had a very active sex life with each other as well as with people outside their marriage because of sex/porn addiction and obviously they are divorced now. So it’s not only sexless marriages that can be detrimental to men. There are so many aspects of marriage that need nurturing, not just the sex( however it is important) There is no room for selfishness in area of marriage. Believe it or not if a husband and wife are together long enough there will be a day when both the husband and wife are to old to physically have sex; how sad it would be to be together all those years and have nothing in common outside of sex because that was the only thing you nurtured in your marriage. Also,wives if you are having issues with sex due to age or some other physical ailment, talk to your husband,he will understand. I am in the beginnings of menopause and,well all women that have been through it know what that entails in the bedroom. I communicated that to my husband and guess what, he totally understands and we still have a healthy bedroom life even when we are limited on what we can do.
Beth:
The article does not address a man entering his marriage not disclosing his sex addiction already in existence years before ever meeting his wife. (porn/m*sterbation/strip clubs/massage parlors etc).
All of this changes the frontal cortex of the brain for the addict. Porn and sex addiction is more difficult to conquer than crack and heroin COMBINED!
Lori:
Here’s how a woman won her husband from his porn addiction, Beth. NO ONE is so far gone that they can’t be transformed by the power of Almighty God.
http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/06/thejoyfilledwifes-husbands-addiction-to.html
Blair:
Beth, this is in no way trying to make light of your situation.
This sin is equally on men AND women.
This is also happening a lot where the woman has not been truthful about her sexual past before the marriage to her husband.
I see / hear a lot of married Christian and secular women bragging about their sexual past with “bad boy Johnnies”
They sit and brag about doing EVERYTHING with the “bad boy”
There is no trace of sorrow in their voices which tells me they never repented of their sins with the “bad boys”
You look at these women and a lot of them have crooked noses, scars, misshaped fingers from being broken during their time with “bad boys” (50 shades of gray)
They admit to 10+ men plus 1-2 lesbian affairs.
So I have learned that if that is what they admit to, the count is higher.
About a year into my marriage to my late wife, she told me that in her unsaved days that she would wear very short loose shorts and skimpy low cut tops. She would sit on the city bus across from men and put on a “show” for them, then run off the bus. From what I know now, my thoughts are she did not run away much.
Before marriage she had told me that at 35yrs old, that there was only 1 man before me.
Lies, all lies from what I know now.
Many, many men in her life.
Even though I have found a lot of this out since I became a widower several years ago, I have not given up on finding a biblical wife.
God can do anything.
After all, He saved me, a wretched sinner.
Kate:
I would challenge women to consider why they are “not in the mood.” Is it because you are feeling sick, stressed, self-conscious, tired, or repulsed by your husband? Is the sex not pleasurable, or even painful?
All of these things can be remedied. See a doctor (and seek out the culprits that make your hormones wacky) if you never feel arousal. Lower stress levels during the day so you are ready to go at night. Understand your husband probably doesn’t care about the things you are self conscious about and that the marriage bed is a safe place. Take naps or re-organize your schedule, or initiate sex earlier, so that you are not tired. If your husband’s personal hygiene habits are lacking, offer to shower with him as foreplay, or help him do his nails, or playfully remind him to brush his teeth before bed. If you are not satisfied during sex, get a Christian anatomy book and suggest reading it with your husband to “get in the mood.” Be honest with him and say that sex is fulfilling because you feel close to him, but that you’d like to explore your bodies more so that it feels good physically, too.
Finally, if you think you have underlying trauma from childhood affecting your sex life, you need to see a therapist or counselor or someone with a similar testimony so that you can safely overcome PTSD or whatever it may be.
K:
I prefer complete honesty. If my husband wants me to pleasure him, I am more than happy to if he takes a quick shower first if he’s had a long day. It doesn’t have to be all one sided for only one person’s pleasure. Pleasure should be the goal of both spouses. I would do the same for his requests so it’s only fair to have that same love and respect. It makes me only want to please him more. I agree with Suzanne in that aspect.
Isadora:
So true! If it was up to me, I would probably only desire sex a couple times a week but my husband ideally likes it twice a day, so we usually meet in the middle at once a day.
I often initiate too because I enjoy the bonding of our bodies being close, even though I don’t really crave the sex itself. It has been a journey for me, though. I have been pregnant/nursing nearly our entire marriage so there were a lot of times I didn’t feel like it and it was hard to shift my perspective on it. Debi Pearl’s book has helped in that regard as well.
Charles:
MY question.. is what should a man do.. when his marriage has died? Mine died a long time ago, but believed that I had no Biblical alternative but to stay together… living like roommates. Part of the reason it died was her becoming obese — a solid gain of 65 lbs. — but she also has a hang-up over obeying, despite the vow. She contributed the majority of the reasons why I no longer love her. She claims to love me… but such has no effect on me anymore. She’d rather over-eat and argue… than become a ‘team’ again……
AMW:
Ugh! I have to be honest I hate these posts. You are in a whole different ball game when your husband is using porn. A few years ago my husband would say I never wanted sex and of course it was not his fault. It was all on me. He would also never tell you that he was a compulsive porn user. He always left that little bit of information out.
He will admit now that he really didn’t love me and that all I was to him was body parts. He didn’t ever think about my needs or wants and he didn’t really care about them either. My job was to get him off. I hate to even type that because it sounds awful. It’s a terrible feeling to be used sexually. So no most women in this situation are not excited about sex.
Fast forward to today he is not the same man. God is doing an amazing work in him. He has been porn free for a couple of years. He is no longer critical, he is kind, compassionate and loving toward me. He studies his bible daily, reads it to our children, helps around the house without me asking. He talks to me about his struggles or temptations and prays with me. Has our sex life improved? Dramatically! God is doing an amazing healing there as well
I don’t want to paint an evil picture of men who use porn. Often times they are using it as a coping method for pain they don’t know how to deal with. So they justify their behavior by blaming others, minimizing it and denying it is a problem. They believe their own lies. It is quite sad because porn will rot their marriage and their soul if they don’t stop using it.
Lori:
Oh, I agree, AMW. Porn is a horrible and destructive habit and WAY too easy for men and women to access. TheJoyFilledWife is stunningly beautiful and she didn’t know her husband was addicted to porn until after marriage. She was always available sexually to him but there came a time when he wanted porn over her. These are NOT the women this post is referring to. (I posted above the link to her post about how she won her husband.) We must not put our experience into everything we read. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it! There are plenty of women who deny their husbands sexually which is incredibly sinful of them to do. Some deny them for months and even years on end. And yes, they are partly responsible if their husbands sin when they seek satisfaction elsewhere. No, they should not but neither should the wives deprive their husband. THIS is who this post is speaking to.
RexLux:
I am a young man in mid twenties and this topic is the source of a lot of trust issues. I am one of the people who burns so they need to get married, I can’t think of a worse outcome in marriage than no sex. Instead of dealing with the burning via a wife, the burning would still be there and I would be committed to a woman and not allowed to seek an outlet for passions. I feel like this would wreak havoc on my mind and body. I would develop resentment for the woman who tricked me and I would be in anguish because of temptation to deal with my natural desires. I hear so many stories about this happening and I personally know people in this situation. I think I already have trust issues but the thought of being tricked by feminine wiles is a big block in my mind for committing to marriage with a woman. I currently have no outlet for passion that is good but a marriage with no outlet would be a life sentence that I couldn’t handle. I wonder if women denying sex is a modern problem or if it goes back through history. It seems like something that could only exist in this modern world of people who are called lovers of self. I know it will require faith on my part to trust in God to give me a woman who will fulfill her natural purpose. Did all the men I have heard about with this problem have no faith? I don’t know, seems unlikely.
Chris:
Lori…you have no idea how true this article is. My wife has refused to have sex for over four and a half years. She has said that just because we are married does not mean we should be having sex. I am dead on the inside and we are both in our early 40s. Off subject a little, but related: I have come to believe that the lie of feminism is not that men and women are unequal, but the lie feminism sells is that women don’t sin. And unfortunately this idea has taken root in our churches, even the conservative ones.
The lie feminism sells is that women don’t sin.
Chris
S:
Men are wired for sex this is true. It’s the primary way they show love to their wives. Women should not withhold sex from their husbands as this is emotionally devastating to them. Anything goes in the marital bedroom as long as both parties agree to it. 1st Corinthians 7:15 says to come together often. How often is often depends on what is agreed upon, in my view.
Sarah:
I would love to have relations with my husband, but he is 2 time zones away and will be for the next 10 months! How can I make sure he is not turning to p*rn or m*sturbation while we are apart?
Kevin:
Next 10 months? Is he in the military? Can you not visit him? He should have self control but waiting 10 months for sex would be hard for any man. Tough situation.
Joe:
As a Prior Service member myself. Being away 9+months was easy. It was being 3 ft apart with my wife not wanting sex for weeks and months on end(longest was 9mo) that was killing me. Literally KILLING me.
And yes porn is always a temptation. Just as the romance industry is to women as is disobedience. Which is the worse sin.. IDK but before you start to pick at your husband’s/wife’s sin make sure you clean up your own.
To be frank I think this is why God allowed men to have more than one wife.
Blair:
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 KJV
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
What I want to look at is the word used in the King James bible which will give us a better understanding of when a wife (or husband) denies their spouse of sex.
DEFRAUD ye not one the other……..
From Websters 1828 dictionary:
DEFRAUDED, Deprived of property or right by trick, artifice or deception; injured by the withholding of what is due.
And for the folks that want a more “modern” definition, it still means the same.
Cambridge dictionary:
defraud: to take something illegally from a person, company, etc.,or to prevent someone from having something that is legally theirs by deceiving them:
So in context of Lori’s post about a woman is withholding sex from her husband without his mutual consent for a short time, when she DEFRAUDS her husband she is refusing to give her husband what is rightfully his due.
God is the one that says that in His word, not me.
God says that a husband or wife getting sex from their spouse is their rightful due.
Over the many years of my life, I have heard many men, both Christian and secular men, say the same thing – that before marriage the woman was giving him sex very often and also often initiating the sex as often as the man was.
Then very SHORTLY after marriage, the woman quit giving her husband sex on a regular basis.
That sounds like it is intentionally planned by the woman.
Before marriage, lots of sex.
Shortly after marriage, little to no sex.
Deprived of right by trick, artifice or deception……..
Prevent someone from having something that is legally theirs by deceiving them……
Both definitions from 2 dictionaries are are saying the same thing about a wife denying her husband sex.
Before marriage, lots of sex making him think this is what she is really like.
Then shortly after marriage, the sex is denied.
That is plainly a deception / deceiving of the husband by the wife.
And it isn’t because the wife no longer wants sex.
She just denies her husband, not other men.
As I have said, 50% of the women offering me sex are married women or are engaged to be married.
They do not hide the fact that they are married and are plainly telling me they want sex with me.
I will guarantee that these married women are offering sex to me, but at home she is denying sex to her husband.
For the record, I am not taking any woman up on her offers of sex.
NotDeadYet:
“if the husband begins to look at porn or have an affair, he will stand guilty for his sin but the wives will stand guilty for depriving their husbands.”
This is doubtless the most insightful and spot-on quote I have ever read on a Christian blog.
Lindsay:
I have been married going on 5 years and we have two children and Im pregnant now with our third. I have wavered on both sides of full submission as well as some rebellion through our marriage. I can with no reserve or hesitation say I am so much happier when I’m fully submitted. I feel deeply loved, protected, provided for, and physical attraction and sexual desire mutually increase for both of us. When I’m not fully submitted, exhibiting some rebellion, our marriage is harder, there is less affection, there is a tangible distance between us, sexual desire and attraction are decreased, and it just doesn’t feel good.
Men respond much differently to a sweet, loving, submissive wife than one who is moody, unappreciative, a complainer, or who refuses sex.
Wives, simply put your husbands will treat you better when you fully submit, especially in the bedroom. Who doesn’t want her husband to want to do nice things for her, buy her things she likes and be more loving and affectionate?
Ladies, if sex isn’t comfortable or is painful for you there are a lot of ways to make it more comfortable. I have had two kids and I’m pregnant again and know what it feels like when things don’t seem the same down there. There are workouts that can fix a lot of women’s problems without surgery. From diastasis recti, to a weak core, to pelvic floor issues, etc. The program I have had success in bouncing back from childbirth is called MuTu and its recommended by doctors and physical therapists alike. Its fully done online and easy to implement. I also like to do stretches. I normally have tight abductors and hamstrings, which sometimes make different positions difficult. So I do various stretches so I can be more limber and do more fun things with my husband. When I think about my husband I think “How can I make myself the hottest and most attractive woman to him and fufill all of his desires, giving my body to him freely?” I actually will include God in those thoughts as well, turning them into prayers, so God can show me how/where I need to step it up. My last piece of advice to any woman struggling in this area is to pray that God helps you to see the role he created you for, including to give your husband sex and to enjoy it! Its so much better to have sex when you actually really enjoy it, and God can change your heart so you will!
Summer J:
Hi Lindsay,
Thanks so much for your post. I feel the same way you do about our roles regarding sex and intimacy with our husbands. I have always totally submitted to my husband and obey him in everything, and so very happy and excited to do so! I am my husband’s, I belong to him. We have been married for 24 years now, I was 19 when we married and we figured out very quickly what he liked and how I could fulfill his needs (he got me pregnant on our honeymoon so I guess I did ok!) Together we have always had a wonderful and affectionate sex life, which I certainly enjoy as much as he does! Like you, I pray for God to always guide me to be everything my husband wants in all areas, including sexuality. I totally submit to him, whatever he wants, whenever he wants it and how often he wants it. I have no choice in the matter and love it that way. I have never said no to him. In turn, he treats me so very well, respects me, and completely takes care of me. All to say, sex is part of our total submission to our husbands and is a vital tool is keeping a marriage strong and healthy.
Michaela:
This is a fantastic article. When I got married 26 years ago, my mom and my aunt told me that sex was “75% of a marriage”. I don’t know if I believe that, but I did learn to never turn down my husband unless I was ill. Which never happened, by the way. I f I were ill, my husband knew it and was more concerned with helping me heal than with his own physical pleasure.
But I don’t understand women who refuse to have sex with their husbands. Something else must be going on. If you love your spouse, why would you hurt him in this way? Why are these women so angry with their husbands that they refuse to do this?
From ‘The Transformed Wife‘.
